The Imperfect is Our Paradise...Week 5

Poet Pattie McCarthy, AI, Reiki & Welcome to the Hoodoo House

Aug 31, 2023

Last week I mentioned Andrew Solomon’s book Far From The Tree. I want to share the beautiful poem he used as an epigraph:

The imperfect is our paradise.
Note that, in this bitterness, delight,
Since the imperfect is so hot in us,
Lies in flawed words and stubborn sounds.
— Wallace Stevens “The Poems of Our Climate”

Solomon used this because his book covered parents of what the world calls highly flawed or imperfect children.

Women Talking

Conversations about imperfection are in the air. Here’s Pattie McCarthy’s poem “outgoing tide—”, which you can listen to here thanks to Poem-A-Day. (Don’t click below. Click here.)

This is how it starts:

it has the depth of human error
I say this to myself about my face

But you really should listen because afterward McCarthy talks about how a conversation with her teen about disliking songs that are too perfect inspired the poem.

AI & Reiki?

I’ve had a couple of friends recently ask me about AI and it’s impact on writers. This all has to do with imperfect/perfect. I believe AI will certainly take away the “perfect” or formulaic work from writers. I’d place a little bit of the writing I do in this category (or close). For example, some work I’ve done for Forbes health. I always learn and grow when I write anything, but the Forbes work is typically SEO-driven and quite formulaic. Except for the interviews — which so far I don’t think AI can do — this could be the type of work that AI might write. For example: I wrote this story about reiki (and then I took reiki training). It took a lot of research and interviews, along with source citations and footnoting. Again, AI could do all of it except for the interviews. By the way, I would’ve preferred to write Reiki Can’t Possibly Work. So Why Does It? in the Atlantic.

If you’re curious about reiki I highly recommend checking out Pamela Miles. She has a blog and offers the global self practice and other free opportunities to learn and practice reiki on yourself. Pamela was NOT happy that I left her out of the Forbes story (instead I interviewed the Yale researcher she worked with on a study). Who knows, AI might have included Pamela though! Pamela also takes issue with all of us journalists who refer to reiki as energy healing. She says it’s a spiritual practice. Again, go to her website if you want to learn more!

My Friend Mary

The big news this week is that we have My Friend Mary content! To refresh your memory, I promised in my inaugural post to fix your problems for you. Actually, I promised to ask my sage friend Mary G to fix them and I’d weigh in. Giving away advice was also something that assemblage artist LV Hull (mentioned last week) specialized in. LV said they called her house a “hoodoo house” and she would tell people to do things like fill a fruit jar with water and vinegar — add salt and six marbles - and bury the jar in the backyard to solve their insomnia. And it worked! HA! As LV said, “I like to give advice ’cause folks need it. I don’t pretend to be smart.”

Shall I say welcome to the hoodoo house!? Actually, this time around things are very pragmatic. We’ll try to get more hoodoo-ish in the future, though. Because we do like that!

Q: One of my good friends is having an affair. I typically tell my husband everything — we are best friends really — but I haven’t told him about her affair. I almost feel like I’m cheating by not discussing it! Should I divulge?

My Friend Mary: Absolutely not! At the end of the day and despite gender fluency, typically men are men and women are women. Your husband, no matter how great, will not see the affair like you probably do. You may not “approve” of the tryst, but you likely still love your friend and understand the situation is complicated and she has her reasons. In my experience, husbands are more cut and dried. He’ll dislike your friend and never look at her the same way again (I assume he actually likes her!). Wait it out. Your friend may end her marriage and then you can discuss the affair openly at that point. Or maybe she won’t and you’ll just have to live with the lie.

VC: Take it from me, listen to Mary. In fact, it would’ve been best if your friend didn’t even tell you. Years ago someone in my social and work circle was cheating on her husband. Let’s call her D. We all knew and talked about it — thus all of our partners also knew. My husband telegraphed disdain for D because he felt sorry for her husband. I had just had my second son and was home from the hospital a couple of days when D calls and says she desperately needs to talk to me. It ended up that someone had sent an anonymous letter to D’s husband at work informing him about the affair. No matter how many times I told her that my husband didn’t send it — neither of us cared that much! — she never believed it. To this day she’s convinced that either my husband or I sent the letter. We did not. If I’m going to tell someone’s husband something, I’m just going to do it (later I’ll divulge one of these instances). It will not be about your affair, though, because that’s your business. Leave me out of it. And I will always from now on leave my husband out of it too. By the way, I had not heard from D in several years and one day she texted me out of the blue while I was waiting for a plane in LAX with this message: I forgive you. For what?? I was exasperated!

Q: Where do you buy a sturdy plus-size swim suit?

My Friend Mary: Everything But Water is my go-to! (VC: Mary likes to shop in-person at the Marina Del Rey or Santa Monica store so she can try on the suits, but you can get Everything But Water online too. And when I looked right away I saw the store has plus size and a “D+ Cup” shop — and there’s a Labor Day sale!).

VC: Some of you may skeeve, but I recommend Poshmark — an online thrift store! I’ve bought many items on Poshmark and so far they always come as promised (some are brand-new with tags on). I’ve also sold a few things, though I haven’t taken the time to become a serious Posher. Environmentally speaking, thrifting is a good idea. I checked on the swimsuits and they have many good choices. You have to be a risk taker to do this, though, because you can’t return the items. You can, however, re-Posh them! Use this code to get $10 off your first order even!

If you have My Friend Mary questions, post them in comments, tell me somehow or email: victoriaclayton@substack.com

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