How To Be Happy...Week 30
A complicated reader question
This week we have a reader question for My Friend Mary. So let’s dive in. Mary answers first and then I offer my two cents…
Question: I’m at a point where I need suggestions. After many years of putting my career on the back burner and raising kids, I reentered the workforce and I’ve been doing really well. Right before the pandemic, though, my 25+ year marriage ended. During the pandemic I relocated from a major city to a small resort town in the South. My children are adults and completely on their own. So I’m a single, working woman with a lot of freedom. But I’m still not as happy as I’d like to be. I’m in sales and travel an enormous amount of time. I don’t feel like I have the life I want. The resort town has started to feel too small so I am moving to a larger town. But how do I stop living to work?
My Friend Mary’s answer: What you’re asking seems basic and straightforward, but it’s actually extremely complex. I have a feeling that if it were basic you’d have already figured it out even! You are obviously a capable woman. My feeling is that, for starters, the key—at the risk of cliche—is work-life balance. I think you need a job that allows you to live a more balanced life. Since you’re clearly good at sales and sales can be lucrative, look for a job selling something you enjoy. Maybe that’s in the tennis industry or golf or food or skin care or something else. Try to find a position that doesn’t require so much travel. If you set your mind to it and start exploring job opportunities, they will come. Also, moving to a larger town is probably a good idea. That said, consider: wherever you move, there you are. It’s highly unlikely that a new location will “fix” your life. Happiness is mostly an inside thing. So of course do whatever you can to improve the outside, but know that ultimately you’ll have to work on whatever it is that you need to work on inside. If you’re seeking a therapist—although they would probably disagree with me or not admit this—they’re not all the same. Some are better suited to family issues, some to relationships, and some to navigating office politics. I had one therapist when I went through a divorce. Later I needed a different one to help me through other life changes. The good news, though, is that you’re actually admitting you’re not happy. That takes a lot of courage and many women don’t admit it. So bravo! Lastly, just one more idea regarding happiness…I’ve found that small things go a long way. So while you’re figuring everything out, do your best to notice anything that brings you pleasure — sunlight on a plant, breakfast at your favorite restaurant, flowers you buy each week. For me, intentionally noticing these small things boosts my daily happiness.
VC’s Answer: The short answer to your question is I don’t really know. I wish I did! But as we’ve established, not knowing never prevents me from throwing out a few ideas. I keep thinking of my very favorite houseplant. I dropped it last year, shattering its container into pieces and nearly destroying the plant. Yet look at it now.
You’re a little like that— your old container shattered and now you’re in a totally new one. And one year in plant life is equal to seven in human — haha. My point is that you need to give yourself a lot of time. You’re still in transition, but with enough care and attention I’m sure you’ll eventually find the right conditions to flourish. The way I might go about it likely wouldn’t be right for you. So the best I can offer is a few resources you may not be aware of:
The Covey Club
TheCoveyClub.com— Lesley Jane Seymour is the former editor-in-chief of More Magazine. She left NYC to reinvent herself in New Orleans. She also created CoveyClub to support women in career and personal growth. The site has articles, events, workshops and more. Here’s a little verbiage about CoveyClub:
Whether you’re an accomplished executive or a budding entrepreneur we know that if you live long enough, change happens. Sometimes change comes to you—in the form of a health crisis, job loss, empty nest, divorce, or widowhood. Other times the need for change presents itself as a feeling of being stuck, restless, or uncertain; you know something is up—but you’re not sure what steps to take or who to talk to about it.
Seymour’s podcast is about reinvention too. Give it a try!
Greater Good
Greater Good — Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley offers Greater Good magazine and podcast. I just went there and the first story I saw was “Feeling Lost? Here are Four Steps to Finding Your Path”. It’s all about the science of a meaningful life. They even offer a free 8-week Science of Happiness online course. I took it many years ago and I promise you’ll learn a lot about happiness if you take it.
Rachel Allyn/The Pleasure Is All Yours
Mary mentioned the value of noting the small pleasures in your life. Speaking of pleasure, I found the book The Pleasure Is All Yours: Reclaim Your Body’s Bliss and Reignite Your Passion for Life by psychologist Rachel Allyn, PhD, worth reading. I see you can get it free on Audible too. It’s all about cultivating deeper relationships and also reconnecting with your body in a mindful way. Allyn hosts retreats as well as yoga classes if you ever find yourself in Minneapolis. I’ve never interviewed her or done anything besides read her book, but I kind of like what she’s doing.
If anyone else has resources, experiences to share or ideas, don’t be shy! Leave a comment below and tell us. And if you have a question you want answered in the future, leave it here anonymously.